CONFIDENTIAL: Paul Skenes

The Pirates ace has picked up where he left off in 2024, posting a 1.46 ERA with 13Ks through his first two starts in 2025. Between his 101 MPH fastball and his SI swimsuit model/gymnast girlfriend (holy moly), just about every guy on the internet would sell out their sweet grandmother to the cartel to live in his shoes for a day. The worst part about it all, on the surface it appears that he is a pretty laid back, funny, and humble (at least as humble as fuckin Superman could be) guy.

That being said, we have found disturbing evidence that he might be a total fugazi. Last week, Skenes did a photoshoot for GQ magazine with his girlfriend that left our mathematics experts perplexed.

Skenes and girlfriend in GQ

Being the investigative reporters that we are, we asked them to dig deeper into their hypothesis, and after many minutes of looking at a picture of him on the mound, we were able to conclude that it is not physically possible for Paul Skenes to be 6'6 (please don't worry about the math we used to draw such a conclusion as you wouldn't understand it anyway). Perplexed by our findings, we double checked it - he's 6'3 at best.

6'3 Paul Skenes on Mound

We can further extrapolate on this finding to conclude that there is, in fact, a God in this world. No you can't have it all, Paul. At this point, we can only make speculations (which we don't do at revered media sites like ours) for the role that the Pittsburgh Pirates played in covering up this story. I will say to whomever (that's good grammar) broke into my home last night: I and my colleagues at Butchie's will never be silenced or intimidated.